What's the difference between a hot hatch and a hedgehog? - A hedgehog has it's pricks on the outside.
What do you call a fish with no eye's? - a fsh
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you ever tried!
consciousness: the annoying time between naps!
Two men approach each other on a pavement, both are dragging their right feet, as they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and say's "Vietnam 1969", the other man points his thumb behind him and say's " dog $hit 20 feet back!"
A seal walks into a bar and ask's for a drink, the bartender asks the seal, "what's your pleasure?" the seal replies " anything but canadian club!"
If we arent supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?
The quickest way to double your money is fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kind's of people, those who can count and those who can't.
Never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge.
If Dracula had no reflection, how come he had such neat hair?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjot adultery?
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you meet new people everyday!
A man goes into the Dr's, "Doc", he say's "i've got a cricket ball stuck up my ar$e" . "how's that" replies the Dr, "dont you start!" replies the man.
Why do ginger people burn so easily? - It's natures way of telling us they should be kept indoors!
If you love something, set it loose, if it doesnt come back, hunt it down and kill it!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandad, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!
You stand in the middle of a library and go "aaaaaaaaaaarghhhh", and everyone just stares at you, do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in!
"Whats a transvestite Dad?" asks the boy, "ask your mother" replies the Dad, "he'll know"
What happens if you play a country and western record backwards? - the singer gets his wife, house and job back!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night, surprised she looks at the ancient man and asks his age, "i'm 91 years old" he say's, "91?" she say's, "dont you realise you've had it?" "oh sorry" say's the old man "how much do i owe you?"
An aeroplane is about to crash and a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes her clothing and announces" if i'm going to die,i want to die feeling like a woman, is there anyone on here who is man enough?" A man jumps up, removes his shirt and say's "here iron this!"
