2) I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best before End'
3) I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
4) I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,"You've got cholera."
5) I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
6) I phoned the local ramblers club today, but this bloke just went on and on.
7) My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
8) I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
9) A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
10) I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said,"Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
11) I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
12) I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there.
13) I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
14) I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest."
