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TURTLE SPEED HOME PAGE -> Turtle Speed -> JOKES -> Chuck Norris Quotes love it!!!!
Post Info TOPIC: Chuck Norris Quotes love it!!!!
cadillacman


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Posts: 758
Date: Nov 22, 2007
Chuck Norris Quotes love it!!!!
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Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.27148.356
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.23358.347
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.48698.344
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 18828.334
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.21548.330
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 16698.330
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.12618.315
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.19528.305
Chuck Norris can speak braille.16368.287
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.4308.198
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.14168.194
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."7718.185
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".14248.149
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.6388.121
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.3058.046
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 25567.985
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.9477.956
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.10087.939
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.9197.939
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.6217.928
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.9957.913
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.10507.866
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.10277.855
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.9727.810
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.9427.771
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.7947.704
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris7717.669
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.10057.658
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.6817.639
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.10077.601
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.7027.583
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.7977.568
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.8287.554
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.8027.551
When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark.427.524
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 8127.523
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.7907.490
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.8937.483
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.5787.479
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.8187.460
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.8837.450
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.7757.432
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.7007.404
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.3467.384
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.4037.372
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.6607.368
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.7507.367
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.7237.349
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.5417.327
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.6667.323
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris7127.313
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".9677.310
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.10237.305
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.6127.286
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.
9157.257
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.6397.257
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.6667.255
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.7967.237
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.6067.231
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.6557.197
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.1887.197
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano367.194
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.6847.187
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.7927.165
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.7577.161
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.4967.157
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.4557.156
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.6467.149
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.7517.123
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.6857.123
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.1887.122
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."8137.113
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.4187.112
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.7587.108
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."8217.106
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.6737.098
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."6987.069
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.6907.064
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.5777.055
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.6807.053
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.6427.047
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.6397.047
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.7677.038
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.6987.032
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."6397.030
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.7147.021
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.7007.009
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.7057.006
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.6216.990
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.6866.988
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.7256.988
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.3896.977
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.6386.972
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says.6276.963
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.6836.959
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.7296.940
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.7416.934
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.6156.915
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.6466.904
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.


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